So this is spring, and what have we done
feeling particularly lost, confused, and introspective. it's fun. you should try it sometime!
The fourth month of the year is halfway through, and if I sit back and list what I’ve done so far this year, it wouldn’t be longer than half a dozen items. Appalling.
I’d planned to post regularly on Substack; to write more—everyday, in fact; to film something (anything would do); to read more; to watch more films; to have more fun; to travel more; to be more present; to earn more money; to help stop genocides; to figure out why we dream; to learn the essence of life; to have a chat with God. And what, from this list, have I done?
It’s my twenty-third year of life, and I try to tell myself to take it easy, but this advice goes null when I see people around me accomplish so much. They’re earning ten time more than I am, their writing is much more profound than mine, their films are stunning and Cannes-festival-worthy, and all I do is sit on my bed and try to read through tears.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not unhappy person, and neither am I bitter. Nope. I operate strictly on a policy of ‘you do you’, and ‘I’m so happy for you!’ It’s just that I am experiencing growing pains which don’t seem to end. There’s a moment of clarity, but the very next I’m questioning my vision. There’s so much I want to do, but I can’t seem to get ‘round to it—not because I’m lazy (although, maybe because of that?), but (I hypothesize) because I’m scared. I’m terrified that I’ll actually do something and it will amount to a grand total of nothing. This fear is especially pertinent since everything I want to do hinges its success on how well it’s received by people. If people (& agents and publishers) don’t like my words, that’s it for me. If people (& film festivals and producers) don’t like my films, that’s it for me. If people don’t like the content I post, that’s it for me.
While this may or may not be true (in the grand scheme of things, I know it isn’t), it’s paralyzing to know that there are a million ways to go wrong, but only a handful to go right. And for this fear, I blame capitalism and consumerism. I don’t want to back myself into a corner thinking that all my success should be measured against the going rate of capitalism, but there’s no other way of being I know. This was and is the society I was born and raised into.
I realise this is also a very reductive way to look at anything, especially art. Surely art is food for the soul, and it doesn’t matter what other people think of it! Oh, how I wish that were true! Our lovely pals Capitalism, Consumerism, and Colorism (racism, but that would break the alliteration) still hold monopoly over every industry, and naturally, the chances of my work receiving any attention or praise filter through the lenses of all these gazes. And then, there’s the element of luck.
One might think this is a very capitalist way of looking at things. And sure, it is. I want a life of financial stability, but I also want to pursue exactly what I want. I want the freedom to be able to pluck and try several figs from the fig tree of life (thanks, Sylvia Plath). So, the question remains: what should I do next?
The truth of the matter is that I’m shit scared. I have all these ideas and I have a clear vision of where I’d like to steer my life to, but the path to this island of dreams is shrouded in a thick fog. And I don’t know how to steer boats.
Another bend where one might falter is facing the fear of a public failure. Just today, while writing my morning pages, I wrote this thought: ‘I am afraid. No, not of small failure—I understand those are necessary for growth; they’re the stepping stones to success, so to speak. No, I am afraid of the colossal failure. The big, looming failure that has led people—even the most passionate, determined ones—to give up their art. What I’m truly afraid of is having my heart broken by failure; of not being able to recover. While this fear is not going to stop me from getting what I want, I have to admit it’s a scary sidebar.
In this moment, pessimism sounds appetizing, but I need to remember that this is just the beginning, and as such, the only answer I find myself arriving to is, as Nike put it aptly, ‘Just do it.’
Sure this post isn’t perfect, and sure for the coming few years nothing I write might be ‘good’, but how does that really matter? This is all a training period. I hear all the time: consistency is key. And you know, it just might be. So, no matter how afraid we are, we’ve just got to start. We need that moment of reckless courage, of stupid bravery where we just click on ‘Post’.
I realise that spring is here and it’s my twenty-third year of living. Surely, I can’t keep waiting for the flashbulb moment that changes the course of my life. I realise I must be the one who creates it. BRB while I actually do, instead of simply dream.
[but before I go, tell me what’s holding you back?]
Much love,
Yasha💌
Some wise people say that once you commit to something, putting your heart and time into it, you'll gain experience, wisdom, and inner strength. I believe that the side effects of our work are not necessarily meant to always manifest as solid gold in terms of money, recognition, or physical possessions. Invisible hard work is often more fruitful. If people are not open to your art, they're simply not the audience you're looking for. As capitalists and monopolists impact the art market and shape how art and the art business are perceived in society, again, I believe that like-minded people who value authenticity, the story behind the art, and practice over instant profits would love to engage with your art. I think there's nothing wrong with seeking financial stability; there's a massive difference between overspoiling yourself, overconsuming unnecessary goods, and having a good, healthy life and a good relationship with money. I believe every single human being deserves a good, balanced life.
What do you mean by public failure? Do you mean opinions, rejections, preferences? Their perception doesn't determine your worth. From what I've read now, I see that you have a large amount of good things to share with the world. Focus on delivering things to people who are like-minded, not business-oriented critics or moneyed pals. On the other hand, your fear is totally understandable. But again, you must remember that rejection is a message that doesn't necessarily reveal your weaknesses or lack of talent, it simply tells you that it's not the right place for you. Keep posting, keep filming, and keep creating. It was a captivating text, and once I finish running errands, I'll be absolutely stalking your Substack because I really enjoyed what I read. Take care! :3